True Freedom Fellowship
My testimony is of my journey in darkness and being delivered into the Light. I shall not dwell on the darkness too much, but enough so that you'll understand where I've been. Since early childhood I was sexually active. I was molested by a an older girl. At the age of 10 I started out experimenting with the girls in my neighborhood, which led to experimenting with boys. I found a porno magazine with naked men around that age and became obsessed with sex. Sex as far as I knew it was what I had to give to others. It was my way of expressing love. It made me who I was. My attraction since a young boy was always towards the opposite sex. I slept with girls hoping the attraction would go away.
At the age of 16, I became a father. I ended up marrying my girlfriend at that time, but divorced a year later in which I engaged in a homosexual affair with an older man. I left my wife and moved in with this man and his lover. I went to pieces then I wasn't sure what happened but it was then I slipped into total darkness. While in relationship with this man it began to take a different course. It soon became a "three some." It remained that way for some time. I ended it and fell right in to the bar scene. For ten years or so I lived in and out of relationships never really had a home. I felt like I was always on the run. I was doing drugs and drinking. Deep inside I knew I wasn't where I belong so I kept trying different places to settle down and different people to settle with.
I became a workaholic and had a great career. Juggling my career and my sex addiction with the drugs became my life! I portrayed to be a very happy man, a strong man! Those around me had no clue what was happening to me on the inside. I was well liked and made sure that I was accepted as a gay man. I went through an abusive relationship mentally and physically with a man that I thought I was in love with. No one could have told me differently. This relationship killed any spirit of life in me. It led to new areas in seeking sex and control. I fell into the 900 phone services, which led to meeting different men. I had multiple partners. I fell into porno movies big time as well as magazines! My life was spinning out of control. Death was all around me. I tried anything that would numb me. I didn't want to face myself. I hit rock bottom in 1996. I took time off from work; it had been a stressful year and I knew I needed rest. During my 3 weeks off that's when the Lord got a hold of me. I was going to end my life. As I sat there I felt impressed within my heart that today I WILL LIVE.
The battle of voices inside my head grew louder; but, that which was speaking to my heart was what I focused on; in the middle of the battle choosing between life or death I began to have a sense of peace - a peace that I did not understand. You see I have tried every form of religion out there. At this time in my life I was mixed with Buddhism and a practicing psychic. I thought I knew peace; but, this that was speaking to my heart was different. I called for help and made an appointment with a counselor. My first visit he asked me where was my Faith? I had no answer. I saw him two other times and between the appointments I began to seek that, which I fought against my whole life, which was a relationship with Jesus. I began to read the Bible; I still had no Christians around me or had stepped into a church, and I just wanted God to reveal Himself. I began to pray and was introduced to the Joyce Meyer's Ministry through her teaching tapes. Upon listening to them on Spiritual Warfare I knew what I had been missing. I knew that from my childhood that my soul yearned to be connected with something and now I know that I yearned to commune with my Creator. I went to see Joyce Meyer not knowing what to expect, but I knew that when she gave the altar call I knew that I needed to be there! I gave my life to the Lord! From that day on the Lord began to free me from my bondage. My life began to come together - that is till I got back together with the man I left my wife for years before.
He was single now and I just knew that God was bringing us back together! Wrong, though I was being set free from my sexual addictions, drugs, alcohol and every other addiction that controlled me I still saw no problem with me being a gay man. This is who I was and all I knew. So I began to grow and seek more of the Lord; and, as I grew my life style became an issue. Now through this time my lover and I became 50/50 partners and I became a wealthy man. We lived on the beach in a beautiful condo; we were going to open up a business and build a home on the beach. Let's just say I was being deceived by all this wealth. At the age of 26 I had all my dreams come true! Nothing was going to take this away; I was at peace with my God and myself (Or was I?). I still had no church home or Christian friends. My family accepted me as a gay man and they along with my friends thought I just was wrapped up in another religion. But I began to fast and pray because I felt still there was something else the Lord wanted to deal with me on. But whenever He brought my life style up I rebuked satan. I had it all; why would my life style be an issue? Then in July, 1997 I broke.
I couldn't take it anymore though I had all I wanted I felt like I was losing my peace. So I prayed and I was taken to Romans 6 and I read it. I read again. I cried out to GOD, "WHAT IS IT?" I felt impressed that I knew what it was, I was living in sin. The Peace that I had come to know was from the true living Lord and if I was going to continue to walk with Him and be in a relationship with Him I needed to be living for Him. I cried out to the Lord to give me a couple of weeks so that I could figure out how to leave and to take what I needed and to save some money. But He spoke to me and said, "TAKE NOTHING, ALL THAT YOU HAVE OBTAINED, YOU'VE OBTAINED IN SIN, AND I HAVE NO USE FOR IT." He promised me that He would supply all my needs. I was down on my knees crying out and as I said, "Yes Lord, Yes Lord" I began to stand and as I was standing it felt like stuff was falling off of me. For the first time I felt WHOLE! I left and though the man I was with did not understand He kept saying I knew that, that which you have found would eventually take you away. My family, friends and those that have known me thought I had lost my mind. That I just went off the deep end or they expected this to last for a season just like everything else.
But greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world! I have completely surrendered my life to Jesus. I have been called to preach the Gospel. I love the Lord with all my heart and soul. I have come to the understanding that it's not about religion but a true relationship with our Lord! I think that if I found religion instead of a relationship with the Lord I would have fallen back into the world. The Lord has blessed me in all areas and I have seen Him restore my life and give me back the years wasted. My little girl now knows her dad loves her and we have the best of times. I met a beautiful woman and we have been married and I am actually loving someone with all my heart and daily learning to love her the way the Lord would have me to. For God has delivered me, John 3:15-21! I have seen my family come to know the Lord and I am believing for those I ran with in the world to be saved and set free. You see my journey is still in progress and it's a Blessing to know that if I died tonight I would go to Heaven. Praise God! To Him Be All The Glory! I have found a great church family and Christian friends to fellowship with. I thank God for His Faithfulness. My purpose now is to inform others of my testimony and to make them aware that our Lord, HE IS ALIVE. "TO WALK WITH HIM IS TO WALK IN LIGHT. THE LORD IS MY LIGHT AND MY SALVATION-WHOM SHALL I FEAR?"
If you need prayer or just need to talk can reach me at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
IN HIS SERVICE, ROBB FERRELL