True Freedom Fellowship
I Don’t Have Time to Maintain These Regrets…
In the words of Mr. Sinatra…”regrets, I’ve had a few.” However, in the words of David Crowder and others…”I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us.” Being able to abide in a place where I can truly say, I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, was not an easy or a quick journey. However, through the teaching of the Holy Spirit I have learned that if I am going to be an effective member of the Kingdom of God, I can no longer be chained to the sin, shame and regret of my past.
You see, my life has not always been as it seemed from the outside. If the CIA only knew of the ability of my flesh to live two seemingly opposite existences at the same time I’m sure my next workplace would be in Langley, Virginia. I developed a very “religious” spirit very early on in life, meaning that even though I was the poster child for the modern evangelical churched woman, I had very little concern with an actual personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Therefore, when the temptations of this world came knocking, I answered, to fill needs in my life, acceptance, love and peace…if I knew then what I know now.
Sadly I was teaching Sunday School one day and drinking in the bars the next. Then I was singing in the choir one day and feeding my addition to pornography and perversion the next. However, by the grace of God, He never gave up on me. Times of victory came, the alcohol ceased to be an issue, the perversion would get better, but just being better isn't deliverance. I said earlier, I was seeking acceptance, love and peace…I still had none…because I still hadn't acknowledged the One who could bring them.
All through my twenties I was still a religious mess, my emotions were all over the place, I was judgmental of others and I chose never to truly expose all areas of my life to one person, because then the “gig would be up” as they say. Just as the Word of God says you go from glory to glory with Him, when you are not walking with Him fully, you can also go from mess to mess, lie to lie and cover up to cover up…which leads you further away from Him. That’s what happened to me; because I didn’t allow myself to experience love, acceptance and peace from the Lord I tried to find it another way, and ended up in the biggest mess of my life to date. The lies, hurt and pain that caused me and the others around me were of epic proportions, BUT GOD! You see, I lost everything and I mean EVERYTHING in a matter of 24 hours and I hit my lowest low. I believe that in God’s great and infinite love for me He extended me grace beyond human comprehension and took everything from me, exposing my true nature of sin and cover ups so that I could then be reconciled back to Him.
Has this last year of healing, recovery and reconciliation been easy…no…but I know without a shadow of a doubt when my head hits the pillow if I were not to wake I would be in the presence of my King. That is something I have never had before and that is better than anything I could ever try to create or any sin that I could try to fill a void in my life with. So, after 15 years of adulthood I can finally say that I have found the love, acceptance and peace I have been longing for my entire life. I am at peace with my Creator, living a transparent life of freedom. Is every day hugs and muffins...no, but every day is sweeter than the day before.
There is freedom in Jesus Christ and even if you lose it all, it’s worth it. Truly it had to be my life for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
If you need prayer or someone who will understand because they have been there you can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.